Why is this night different from all other nights?

Tonight begins the first seder of two of the eight days of Passover.   Around the world, Jews will gather with their families and begin eight days and nights of unleavened bread, among other lovely Pesach restrictions.   Rather than talking about the traditions of this holiday (at least for now, because I am short on time), let’s discuss this from the point of view of the single girl.

I am in the middle of all my cousins, age-wise.   I am also the oldest unmarried cousin.   Luckily, no one younger than me is married yet, but I am indeed the last  single cousin.   So when all of us are sitting around the table tonight, I am going to be the last single one, and everyone will wonder when I am going to (if ever) get hooked up with some fabulous mensch.  I’d rather not settle for just any old guy.   I want a guy who meets my criteria — Jewish, smart, funny, challenges me (and my mind), has some kind of decent income, can put up with me, etc.   I refuse to settle; I know what I want, and I’m going to get it.   Take that nay-sayers.  I’m waiting  for the right mensch for me, and  no one can change my mind.

The theme of the Four Questions we ask at the Passover seder is “Why is this night different from all other nights?”   Because  it’s a Jewish family, this night will not be different from the other nights, and I will be harassed for being past the point of 25 and still being single.

Sorry this is so short, but I am inundated with work, and I’m currently a Jew in New York on Passover, so there’s a lot going on.

When getting hitting on becomes creepy.

There are the guys you want to hit on you, but they never do.   Then there are the guys who always hit on you, and you can’t ever get them to go away.   Sometimes you have to wonder when being hit on crosses the line to be the point of making you uncomfortable.   Luckily, I get stuck in a lot of these uncomfortable situations all the time, so I can easily explain them.   I’ll never forget the time I was leaving a parking garage at about 1:30 A.M.   I was paying the attendant, and he was smiling at me…and he was missing teeth.   He tried to convince me to go home with him and drink some wine.   I was so incredibly grossed out.   He wouldn’t give me my change until I went home with him.   I get into these “go home with me” situations quite frequently.   When I was in Israel last summer, a Bedouin wanted me come back  to his place and drink some tea with him.   He also asked me if I’d be interested in marriage.   Thanks, but no thanks.

The other day, I was filling up my water bottle in the hallway at my place of education.   This guy walks behind me, and he speaks to the janitor, so I think he’s just another guy who works there.   Then, he stops, as he opens the door to the stairwell, and he says hi to me and asks how I am doing.   I can see where this is going from the start, and I really just want to go back into class.    I tell him I am doing well, and as I try to walk, he starts making small talk with me, as if he knows me.   He asks what class I’m in at the moment.   Then he says that we had so-and-so’s class together last semester.   I swear, I’ve never seen this guy before in my life.   Then, he starts asking like he’s my best friend, that I’ve known him forever.   He goes off on this tangent about how wonderful the professor was, how amazing he is, that he’s somewhere in Europe arbitrating this case or something like that.   I just wanted to go back into class!   But it was as if this guy was holding onto me if I tried to walk away or if he set up a forcefield that would not allow me to take further steps to the door.  Combine that with the fact that I did not want to be rude, and I was stuck.

Last night, I was out with many friends.   There was this one guy there  that many girls described as “creepy.”   He had on a rather large Jewish star,  and as he made his way to the back of the establishment, he looked at my friend’s chest, told her she had “a nice Magen Dovid,” and he TOUCHED HER CHEST to touch the Jewish star.  I mean seriously, this goes beyond a violation of one’s personal space.   This also delves way into the realm of creepy.   It’s one thing to be approached at a bar, but it’s totally another to be touched at a bar.  Men should never, ever, ever touch the chest  of a woman he doesn’t know.   That is, of course, unless it is so crowded, his back or  elbow brushes up against her or, of course, if he is falling down and there is nothing else onto which he can latch his grip to hold on for dear life.   Breasts are off-limits.  It’s as simple as  that.

Another weird thing that happened last night was that a guy I’ve known for a few years came up to me.   Out of the blue, he said, “I can’t date XXXs (XXX  = people of my profession, which as an anonymous blog, will remain anonymous).   I mean, was he trying to hit on me?   It was just really weird how it was said and how he was clearly flirting with me while he said it.   The difference with this though, is that I know him, so it’s not creepy, although it would be if I had was talking to someone new, told him what I do, and then he said that he couldn’t date people of my profession.   See the difference?

Then, today, after I started writing this post this morning, I had to run some errands.   This was seriously fuel for the fire for my post today, which I had ironically already started to work on.   I was at Whole Foods, perusing the prepared foods case.   The guy behind the counter asked if he could help me with anything, even though I had just walked up to the case.   I replied to the man that I was “just looking.”   He said to me that he was “just looking, too,” as he looked my body up and down.    Ewww.   I mean, seriously, I was in jeans and a NorthFace shell jacket.   It’s not like he could see what was underneath or anything.   That’s aside from the fact that I am clearly not his type.   Do men really think that we appreciate comments like that, being talked to like pieces of meat?   No.   It’s totally different for them to talk amongst themselves about things like this, but please do not say things like this to our faces, when and where we can hear them.   Aside from being stupid and disgusting, it’s creepy.

A few months ago, I was trying to explain to my friend that the way he approaches girls sometimes can come off as creepy.   If two girls are in a coffee shop deep in conversation, do not approach them and interrupt them.   They are deep into girlie time.   If it’s meant to be, then some divine force will interact and make it happen for you.    Sometimes, you just have to let fate play a hand.   You’re not in control of everything.   Not every girl you think is cute or hot is going to be receptive to you.   If you are single, you don’t need to incessantly hit on women.    Wait for the right moment.    It’s not about making the moment but rather awaiting for the moment to happen, for the moment to make itself evident to you.   I know it might not make sense, but trust me, it’s right.   Guys need to think about not creeping out girls.   And when we women are creeped out, rather than being receptive in any way, we need to gain the strength to simply ignore it and walk away.

A note on gym attire.

After my daily trip to the gym yesterday morning, I felt this needed to be said.

I go to a gym that costs money, a lot of money, but it’s still less expensive than some other gyms.   Either way, you get some real characters at the gym.

Character 1: This woman must be in her 50s, and she wears a different Lululemon ensemble every day.   You have to wonder if she’s showing off her money, thinks she looks cooler/better in it, or if she actually thinks it makes her perform better.

Character 2: Another woman who may be pushing 60.   I’m not quite sure, because she is so incredibly emaciated, it disgusts me.    She’s so thin, not only can I see her ribs, but I can see the bumps on each and every one of her vertebrae of her spine.   Her skin also appears to have no elasticity left.   She always wears nothing but a sports bra and spandex shorts, and she spends hours on the elliptical.    Great you are thin; not so great — I have to see literally every single bone of your body.

Character 3: This gentleman is easily 70 years old.   Every time I see him, he is donning a light grey sweatshirt, knee-high socks, white sneakers, and shorts where I can pretty much see a lot of what he has going on, because they are both so short and so loose.    He also tries to hit on me.   A lot.

Character 4: This is not necessarily specifically referencing anyone in particular, but more of a general observation.   This is about people who don’t wear workout clothes when they are working out.    You know exactly whom I mean:  The guy in denim shorts.   The woman in the argyle sweater and some weird red moccasins.    The guy wearing the old, faded button-down and khaki pants.    People, when you work out, you need clothes that afford you flexibility, the freedom to move.   If something was, at one time, appropriate for the office, it is not appropriate for the gym.

Character 5: This one is pretty simple.   This is the person you see day-in and day-out at the gym, and the person  is ALWAYS wearing the exact same clothes.   Don’t they wear out quickly?    Do you really wash it every day?    Do you have time to wash it every day?    If you are that gung-ho where I see you every time I’m at the gym (and I’m there 5-6 times a week), then you should invest in maybe one more gym outfit.   And P.S., when you smell like you haven’t showered in a while, please stay away from me.

Character 6: For my last character, let me discuss the one with ill-fitting clothes.   When your crack is smiling at my face, it’s time to either pull up your pants/shorts or get some new ones.   Ladies, if every one is turning a stare toward you because perhaps your attire is a little revealing, put on a t-shirt or something, please.    It’s kind of distracting when everyone’s head is turning.

Finally, if you stumbled here and don’t know me, I really am a kind and caring person.    I don’t like to pick on people, because I have been picked on a lot.   This is more a compendium of my observations in and around my gym, nothing more!

She’s my “frenemy,” but she doesn’t know it.

We all have our “frenemies,” those friends who are more enemies than anything else.   From Wikipedia, a “‘Frenemy’ (alternately spelled “frienemy”) is a portmanteau of “friend” and “enemy” which can refer to either an enemy disguised as a friend or to a partner who is simultaneously a competitor and rival.”

Ehow.com categorizes a “frenemy” as someone who “acknowledges the fact that friendships are not always friendly, nor are they as simple as they seem on the surface.  While recognizing friend from foe is typically cut and dry, recognizing friend from frenemy is trickier.”   Ehow continues to say that “frenemies can range from calculatingly callous and manipulative to obliviously selfish and unkind.    Pay attention to how you act in the presence of your potential frenemy.   Do you recoil at the thought of spending time with her?    Do you often talk bad about her to others?   Do you feel competitive when he discusses work, hobbies, love life or finances?    If you continually act less than the highest, most loving, centered version of yourself when the two of you get together, take note.   A frenemy may be in your midst.    Look for patterns.   If somebody lets you down or acts insensitively on occasion, that doesn’t necessarily qualify him or her for frenemy status.    Humans are flawed and friendships inevitably follow suit.    On the other hand, a person who continually uses you for his or her personal agenda, dishes out insults, breaks promises, ignores your requests or manipulates you with passive-aggressive behavior goes beyond the acceptable friendship margin of error.”

To sum it up, a “frenemy” is someone who is calculating, manipulative, selfish, competitive, continually using you for his or her personal agenda, insulting, or manipulates you with passive-aggressive behavior.

But what happens when the other person does’t know that he or she is your frenemy?   I have a girl who used to be my friend. We went to college together, and while we knew each other, we didn’t really become “friends” until we moved to the same city following college.    As time wore on, I realized things.   She wasn’t my friend, but rather, the dreaded frenemy.    She would talk about people behind their backs all the time.    She would only need me when it was convenient for her.    Whatever we did, whenever we hung out, it had to suit her agenda, never mine.    Her car is TEN YEARS newer than mine, and she would always make me drive out of my way to pick her up, drive her places, take her back home out of my way, etc.   Once, I had to practically beg her to take me to the airport, and in return, I drove her to the airport and bought her a $30 meal.    Once back at my place, she demanded $5 from me for tolls and refused to leave until she got the money…even though the toll was only $2.50.

This wasn’t a friendship; it was more adversarial and for her convenience than anything else.    The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she was exceedingly rude to me at a restaurant on one of the many occasions when I had to go out of my way to pick her up, so she wouldn’t have to drive her precious car.    I was telling her how I had to spend $4,000 on something, and I had no idea where I would get the money (as I was a poor grad student with no job).    She obnoxiously took a call about a babysitting job, rather than offer the job to me, while we were eating dinner, and she spoke rudely to me while doing it, deliberately thumbing through her planner.    I can’t even describe how rude this was, and I’m not going into further detail only because some people who know who I am know this girl as well.   Then, she had the audacity to try to get me to pay for her dinner.    Seriously?    Seriously.

I basically stopped talking to her after that.    She tried to bug me all summer, but luckily, I had a wonderful excuse — studying for an important exam.    By the time my birthday rolled around in September, she inundated me with phone calls, IMs, e-mails, text messages, etc.    I mean, really, after five months, did she just not get it?    Apparently not.    I finally went to talk to her, just to get the madness end, and as soon as I tried to talk to her, she began to yell at me and berate me.    Umm, wasn’t she the one who was supposed to be apologizing to me?    I simply acquiesced to what she was saying so that I could get out of there!    It was a situation that was so horrible, I can’t even begin to describe it.

After that, I didn’t speak to her (again).    Then, out of the blue, in December, she sends me a text message, saying she doesn’t want to go to this event unless I went.    Excuse me?   I haven’t spent time with you socially in over eight months, and you don’t want to go to an event unless I go?    Luckily, I once again had a wonderful excuse — a final the next day.   Sometimes, you just have to wonder why people just don’t seem to get it.   And truthfully, my time is too precious to waste on someone who does not and cannot understand simple concepts.   I also lack the patience to handle a situation such as this.

More recently, she sends me a message, saying that she misses me, and that she misses going to the restaurant where I realized I no longer wanted to be her friend, her fake friend, anything.    I just ignored her.    ”Maybe she’ll get the point?” I thought.    Around this time, I became close to a guy who apparently went on a few dates with her some time over the summer.   Even he said that he realized she was not a nice person, even after just a few dates!   Yet, just last week (nearly a year after I cut her off, mind you), she sends me an instant message, saying that she went through my Facebook pictures, and asked if I was dating that guy.   I didn’t answer, and luckily she had signed off before I saw the message, anyway.   Yet just a few days later, they are Facebook friends.   Stay out of my life, stop trying to connect to my other friends, stop trying to connect with me.   You were TOXIC in my life, and there’s only so much I can take.   I have barely enough time for my good friends, those who do treat me well.   In the past few years of growing up, I have eliminated toxic friends from my life, both for time’s sake and for my mental well-being.

The point of all this is to have you, my readers (all three of you?) examine your relationships and see if there is someone who just doesn’t treat you how you deserve to be treated.   I do recommend, however, that before you entirely eliminate someone from your life that you sit down and try to talk with him or her, attempt to reason things out.   But if it continues to go nowhere, that person is not worth it to you, even if you have years of “friendship” under your belt.   Just give it a thought.   Think about how much happier you can make yourself and how much closer you can be to achieving your goals.

You’re a what?

You know how you get really, really excited when you meet a new guy or girl, and that person exhibits some potential?   So you invest time talking to this person, getting to know him or her, seeing if maybe, possibly, there is something there.   But then there are some little signs, some inkling of things about to go awry that pop up.   Maybe your communication doesn’t flow all that well anymore or you already have run out of things to talk about.   These are usually not good signs.  I am not saying they are the be-all, end-all of your relationship, either.   I’m just saying they are signs and not much more.

The first of these signs with a particular guy was that, while it was clear that we were interested in each other, he was stalling  on asking me out.   Eventually, he told me to ask him out (which is essentially him asking me out, anyway).  I did, we set a date, and we were set, literally…or so I thought.

A day or two before the date, he sent me a message:

Boy: I feel that this is something that is important to talk about.   I am poly by nature.

Me: You’re a what?
Boy: I believe in the idea that you can love multiple people – love, be with, and cherish them
Me: ahh okay…
Boy: and I realized last night that it would not be fair of us to go on a date before you knew that, because I don’t believe in leading people on
Me: Well, that’s appreciated

Then, the plot thickened:

Boy: I do have a girlfriend in NJ.  We both follow this, and we are completely open and honest about our actions.  I have been seeking a romantic life in my current city, and I am glad that I’m being given the chance to explore that here.  I know this isn’t the easiest thing to handle if it’s not for you.  I would still like to meet and go on that date,  but I understand if you don’t want to now.   Also, if you have any questions about it, I will gladly answer them.

I never answered him about that. I think he’s still looking for that “Special Someone” to this day.

My friends love to tell me how I really know how to pick the winners.   This one is probably less of a loser than others I’ve “discovered,” but it’s a good start to introduce you to what I encounter!

It’s not always “fun” to have these experiences.  You spend time talking to these people, and it kind of feels like wasted time when you make a discovery such as this.   But in reality, all you can do is chalk it up to experience.   One of my awesome friends reminded me that dating is like gaining practice.   To get good at something, anything, one must practice.   Practice makes perfect, after all.   So you will have both good dates and bad dates, but it’s the good dates and the bad dates that allow you to chalk it all up to experience and have those awesome dates that lead up to everything being “perfect,” just absolutely perfect.

Here we go.

All or nothing; take half or put in 2.

That is the game of dreidel.  Gimel means “get,” or take all.  Nun means “nothing;” think of it as the status quo.  Hay means “take half,” but to be positive, think of it as the glass half-full.  Finally, Shin means “put in 2;” I’m of the mindset that it’s a little like the hokey pokey, in that you’re doing a little, but not as much as you should.

We have people in our lives that fit into all these categories, things that happen to us, etc.  My friends would say that the things that happen to me are often beyond reason, without explanation, and just plain weird.  So why not write about them?

I’m a Jewish girl finding my place in the world, looking for love, and trying to see the best in people.  Sometimes, I also see the worst in people, and at least that provides some funny stories.